DEATH To The Invisible Woman of 2005
Well, well, WELLLL.... I just polished off my second glass of Bailey's Irish Cream on the rocks... I've been doddering (is that a word?) around the house for days all depressed because I only have two pair of jeans that still fit and I know it's only because they're stretchy. I've put on about 10 pounds in the last six months and I hate myself. And that is NOT to say I am only 10 pounds over weight. I'm just 10 pounds fatter than my most recent fat self. Comfort often comes in the form of the instant gratification that occurs upon the consumption of something REALLY BAD... Like leftover cheesecake from Johnny Carino's, or the Jack-In-The-Box Monster Taco Combo with Seasoned Curly Fries, or gourmet Heath cookies from the dough I got at the school fund-raiser, or Oreos with whole milk or bread with real butter or pumpkin milkshakes (when in season) or chocolates that were a gift from a neighbor or -- AAAAHHHHHH!!! IT NEVER ENDS! WHO AM I?!?!?!!
I know who I used to be. I was one of those people who worked out nine out of every ten days. In January, I'd reassure the other 'regulars' at the fitness center that the New Year's Resolutioners would clear out by March, and we'd have the whole place to ourselves once again. My boyfriends always worked out too. I NEVER ate fast food. I was so disciplined, people hated me. I'd often get asked for advice on how to get in shape. I used to tell people that they had the time to work out, they just didn't take the time. I have since apologized to those people. I never imagined I would go months without working out. I never imagined I'd drive through McDonalds for a McFish Sandwich and not feel a twinge of remorse. I NEVER IMAGINED HOW FRICKIN' HARD IT WOULD BE TO DEAL WITH SMALL CHILDREN AND ONE LARGE ONE WHO IS A REALLY BAD INFLUENCE, AND TRY TO EAT RIGHT AND WORK OUT. PLEASE FORGIVE ME EVERYONE WHO FELT LIKE A SCHLUB BECAUSE I MADE YOU FEEL YOU WERE WEAK! I AM WEAK! I AM THE WEAKEST EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Whew. Now, it's time to be accountable. I know this isn't just about eating. I know a lot of this is because I feel left out of the mix. It doesn't matter to anyone if my pants are tight. I am invisible. People look right past me. Sure there is a kind of freedom that comes with that -- I can now leave the house without even washing my face and there will be no consequence. Nobody cares. I used to have a reputation to keep up. Now, I have a different reputation... One that I never aspired to. I am now the middle-aged, peri-menopausal, overweight, stretch-jean wearing, no make-up wearing, small child-toting, no job-having, not interesting-seeming, Invisible Woman. The fact that I was once known to be attractive and funny, relevant and hot is lost on everyone, including me. Now, I'm not saying I want to be who I once was -- she's gone and that's fine. I just want to be who I ought to be at this time in my life -- and I have let myself down.
I am going to get a life outside of being the Invisible Mom. I got myself an insurance license a year ago and it's time I made some of my own money. That's right -- I don't need to feel totally dependent on someone else. That is the WORST. Probably because my husband sometimes plays the "I'm the one who makes the money" card. Boy, do I hate that. (Don't pass judgement -- we're all flawed.) If I feel like I can make a financial contribution, I will feel better about myself anyway. And, I will get some gratification from that. I need gratification from other sources besides taste buds.
Where else can I get gratification? Forget sexual gratification. I am peri-menopausal and I hate my body. I don't even want to fantisize about sex because I don't even want to be seen naked in my dreams! My poor husband. I try to do my job -- THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID "JOB", but lucky for me, he usually falls asleep on the couch before the kids go down. And he's not in very good shape either. I had the good habits when we met, and I thought I would be a good influence on him, but it turned out to be the other way around. Not that I'm blaming him -- I am responsible for my own predicament. But he sure didn't help. When I get myself back in shape, I will feel desireable again, and THEN I might bother to wake my husband up.
So, although I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions, I'm going to have to do it. I've had it and I have no one to blame but myself. I want to feel good about myself again without having to be single and in control of every aspect of my life. I have to be able to eat right EVEN IF I HAVE TO KEEP OREOS IN THE HOUSE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE TWO PROTESTING CHILDREN TO THE HEALTH CLUB WITH ME. EVEN IF I HAVE TO DRIVE THRU FOR HAPPY MEALS AND GET A SALAD FOR MYSELF. EVEN IF MY HUSBAND HAS A GUT AND CAN'T GIVE UP BEER. I also have to make some kind of career for myself, albeit part time. Even if I have to do business with TWO SCREAMING CHILDREN IN THE BACKGROUND WHEN I'M ON THE PHONE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO DRAG THEM WITH ME OR FIND SOMEONE TO WATCH THEM FOR FREE IF I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT. EVEN IF I HAVE TO GET DINNER DELIVERED... Oh, wait... I already do that. EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT MORE. WHATEVER IT TAKES! THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE, BABY, THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE!
I got one more day before 2006. I'm gonna have to eat something REALLY GOOD.
posted by Jen @ 10:37 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I think you're awesome and really funny! It's hard to feel valued when you've got ankle bitters and covered in snot.I totally understand that feeling.
My hubby finally decided to work out back in May. He religiously gets up at 5am and goes to the gym 6 days a week. I thought he'd give up after a couple months, but he's stuck with it. He's so much more happier, confident and he feels good about himself. I don't have that kind of disipline, but I admire him for taking off the weight and keeping it off.
Everyone I know in this town goes to the gym and works out like crazy even when they have kids and I say the same thing, "how do you have time?" They all tell me the same thing, "you make time." I'm just not motivated. I've decided to do little things like walk to a far park to get some exercise...but then I've got to pack an arsenal of diapers, wipes, drinks, snacks, and sometimes I feel like I don't want to make the effort... So I trott downstairs, grab a bowl of Black Breyers Ice Cream(cuz it's made with fresh, all natural ingredients so it's good for you!) and think about trying again tomorrow...maybe dust off the Tae Bo tapes or the Windsor Pilates.
I just want to say that despite the long rant about your weight and self-esteem issues, the thing I found most disturbing about this post is that you call it a "job" and he sometimes plays the "I make the money' card. In the long run, those two issues will do more damage than a lifetime subscription to the cholesterol-of-the-month club.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm 50 pounds heavier than I was the last time you saw me so trust me, you don't look that bad.
Well, maybe I should be a little more clear. The lack of sexual desire I am suffering from is not unusual and it's also not unusual that part of it is hormonal (tests could not even DETECT any testoterone in my blood -- I am now taking natural hormones)and the other part is my feeling undesireable. Now I just recently put this somewhere in the comment section of your blog -- studies have shown that in older women (let's face it -- I'm 47), poor body image and feeling undesireable can be a bigger cause in lack of desire than hormones. I know for sure that this is the case for me. I am sorry that I feel this way. I don't expect to be what I was 10 years ago, but I can improve -- and it's not just appearance. I'll have more energy and I'll feel better because I'll be healthier and an increase in desire should follow as well. And, sorry to say, but when you don't FEEL like having sex, it DOES feel like a JOB when you do it. (And, it's funnier to write it that way, so I thought.) And, I don't feel that it is right that my husband should do without because of my problem. I love my husband and I believe this is going to pass AND he knows how I feel. Also, when we DO do it, I CAN get to a certain point where I AM enjoying it, so it's not all bad. And my husband knows this, so he doesn't feel horrible if he knows he can help me to a point where I AM enjoying myself. Believe me, this is not at all unusual, I have read up and spoken to many people who have the same problem.
As far as the money card thing, perhaps I should have qualified that better. Sure, no one should EVER say something like that, but he has on occassion, after a good number of beers in the heat of an argument at a time when we were under a lot of financial stress and disagreed on how we should proceed. I am not defending him for saying it. Afterward, he always apologized (he's done it probably twice and it's been a while) and said he didn't mean it and all the right things someone says when they were so wrong the night before. He has never said anything like that in any other type of circumstance. And, I might add, I DO control the money and pay the bills. My desire to earn some money is rooted in a sense of self rather than in being able to throw that at him in an argument. (Of course, during that argument, that's my fantasy.) Again, I know our marriage is flawed, but whose isn't? We know where we have to work on things and we do. At one point, we even got a little therapy, (for different issues)which was very helpful. The problems that can destroy a marriage are problems that are not acknowledged and addressed. We DO acknowledge and address these particular problems.
So, my friend, we're okay.
And no, you gaining fifty pounds does NOT make me feel any better.
I'll never understand women. I've had so many women tell me that they don't initiate sex often but if you get her started, she will get into it after a few minutes, to which I reply, "If you KNOW you're going to enjoy it, isn't that enough to make you want to start it?"
Apparently not. You women are freaky.
The PROSPECT of enjoying sex doesn't automatically make me want to have it. Craig is the same way when it comes to when I prepare a fish dinner (I'll skip the obvious joke here). I never want to tell him we're having fish for dinner because he'll object. It never sounds good to him. But once he tastes it, he likes it and clears his plate. The IDEA of fish for dinner never sounds good to him, and he'll try to talk me out of it if I haven't started to prepare it, but he ALWAYS enjoys it. He's freaky!
Hey furball,
Remember you are what your synapses and neural pathways say you are. If you try to change your thinking pattern, your brain will search for new methods to acheive the conditions you want.
yeh,yeh,yeh,yeh........It does take a while to change your thinking
But you still try to do the things you want to do. Which is good. You create a pattern or habit..
But you know that and you'll do it again.
safespec
You don't need to explain yourself!!! No guy could understand the exhaustion at the end of the day. It's not that we have less will power than when we were younger, it is quite simply that the demands and everyones neediness consume every shread of time from our days. When you're young and single, with no kids, you have several hours of discretionary time every day, and certainly every week from which you can choose to work out, or cook a healthy meal, etc. Three kids, a husband, a home and a job later, I have virtually NOOOOOOOO discretionary time. It's not that I have less will power, in fact I get more accomplished every day than I ever did when I was single and in great shape. It's just that when the time comes for me to think about working out, I blink, then times up, and I am off to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, help with homework, finish the crafts project I started with my seven year old, who needs more time from me than I can give him, then fall into bed at midnight, if I am lucky, all to start over again at 6:10 the next morning, when my alarm goes off. I use to feel bad about myself for not being as "healthy" or being in as good shape as I used to be, but now, while I would still like to eat better, cook more for my family and get in better shape, I cut myself some slack. I do more than I have ever done, and I am not going to feel bad about the fact that on that occasional day, when I take fifteen minutes to read the paper or read a blog, or write a comment, the fact that I do not choose to work out, is okay. It takes tremendous will power just to keep up. So don't feel bad about it. You are doing great! You simply are consuming all of your will power on keeping up with the needs and demands that you now face... It is something to feel good about. If you manage to get a workout routine going, then you will be light years away from where you were when you did have not kids, and were snickering at the New Years Resolutioners in the gym.... By the way, I better get back to work, because I will have to make up this time later. Looks like bedtime is 12:30. Oh well. Spending time on your blog was worth it! Better than working out.
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