Spiderperson

I took Gabriel to a schoolmate's 6th birthday party today with a Spiderman theme. About 10 or so boys were playing together when the grandpa yelled out that there was a Surprise Guest outside. I stood in the foyer looking outside with some of the other parents and saw the boys talking to Spiderman himself. Or so I thought. The foam muscle under the suit didn't seem to fit very well, so I asked the mom if he was a friend or a professional. She laughed and said "Professional". I looked back outside and thought he just looked odd. And short. We all joked that he was really Toby McGuire.

So Spiderman herded the children into the house to sit in a circle on the floor. As he made his way through the doorway, we adults heard his voice for the first time. No, that would be wrong. We adults heard HER voice for the first time. That's right, folks -- it was an Equal Opportunity party gig featuring a Super Hero who was most certainly getting 75% of what a man would get doing the same job. And I didn't help matters much when I suggested to the parents to demand a discount.

Next, the hormonally-challenged Spidey did magic tricks and sang songs and danced with the kids. Although she tried to move like a man,
her moves were somewhat effeminate. She didn't look exactly like a woman because of the fake muscles and flattened boobs; she just seemed like a really, really gay Spiderman. (Now, the name Peter Parker seemed kind of fitting.) Most of the parents were either trying hard not to laugh or trying hard to pretend this wasn't disturbing. We all shuddered when she threw around the name "Mary Jane" to up her credibility. It was painful to watch. There were two boys who didn't participate at all -- they just weren't buying it. They simply looked on with a high degree of annoyance like some giant fraud had invaded the party... A giant fraud who shouldn't be wearing a skintight suit that gave away the fact that 1) she had carried at least one child, 2) she had the hips to birth that child, and 3) she did not have the equipment to be the father of said child.

Afterward, I asked Gabriel what he thought of Spiderman.
"Mom, that wasn't really Spiderman."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, Spiderman doesn't have that weird voice", he said.
"Whattya mean?"
Exasperated, Gabriel just looked at me like I'm some kind of a dumbass, and declared "MOM. SPIDERMAN'S NOT REAL. THAT WAS JUST A COSTUME."

Oh YEAH? Well, let's talk about SANTA, shall we?